A Journey Through Depression as an International PhD Student in the U.S.
October 2025
Jung Hwa Choi | Ph.D. at University of Pennsylvania
Things truly can get better.
Even when it feels like an endless tunnel, you are not alone.
Not long after I began my doctoral studies in the United States, I developed severe depression and anxiety. At first, I sought help at the university counseling center and was prescribed medication, but my condition did not improve. Eventually, I decided to take a leave of absence because continuing my studies felt impossible. At the time, taking a leave during a PhD program felt like a personal “failure.”
As my symptoms worsened, the counseling center referred me to the university hospital, where I met a new therapist and psychiatrist. To be honest, I wanted to quit my program entirely, but I decided to extend my leave and focus on recovering my mental health. Thankfully, my condition gradually improved, and I was able to return to school. There were still several crises even after I went back, but after ten long years, I was finally able to complete my PhD.
Because of this experience, I often find myself having informal, supportive conversations with friends who are going through difficult times. I have gathered some things I wish I had known when I first started struggling with my mental health.
1. Depression does not happen because you are weak or lack willpower.
Anyone can face unbearable pain at certain points in life, and that pain affects both mind and body. Do not blame yourself. Just as colds or car accidents can happen unexpectedly, psychological struggles are also not your fault. They are not about personality or character; they are experiences that anyone might go through.
2. Taking the first step to see a psychotherapist or psychiatrist is never easy.
Many people seek professional help only after they are completely exhausted and feel they can no longer go on. That first step can be frightening, unfamiliar, and practically challenging, but it is a truly courageous decision. For those navigating this process in the U.S., I’ve included a link to another blog post that may help: FAQs for Those Feeling Anxious About Their First Therapy Session in the U.S.
3. Recovery is possible, but the process is not linear.
Some days you may feel better, only to feel like you’ve regressed the next day. This back-and-forth can be discouraging, but over time you do move forward. For example, in my case, there were times when my symptoms improved and I reduced the frequency of therapy or lowered my medication dose, only to experience a relapse and need to adjust them again. Even after I returned to school, I faced more difficult periods. At the time, these setbacks felt devastating and made me want to give up. But looking back, I have been gradually healing.
4. When you are depressed, postpone major decisions.
When you are struggling, it is hard to make rational judgments. Something that feels like the only answer in the moment can look very different with time. It is okay to put decisions on hold. During my worst depressive episodes, I frequently thought about leaving my program for good. I had only my dissertation left to complete, yet I felt incapable of writing it despite my prior research experience. By postponing that decision and taking a leave to recover, I eventually regained enough perspective to make more balanced choices.
If you are reading this and going through something similar, I hope my story offers even a small sense of comfort and hope. Things truly can get better. The experience may feel like an endless tunnel while you are in it, but there will come a time when you feel okay again and even find joy in life. And you are not alone.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jung Hwa was born and raised in Seoul, South Korea. She received her B.A. in Education from Yonsei University, and completed her Ph.D. in Human Development and Quantitative Methods at the University of Pennsylvania. Her primary research interests center on the socioemotional development of Asian/Asian American children, investigating how individual factors and contextual factors, both independently and conjointly, influence developmental outcomes. In her free time, she loves to travel and take a walk with her husband and son.
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