The Case for Starting Counseling Before the Ring
May 2026
Roy Kim, LMFT
Do pre-engagement counseling.
Yes, do the counseling before buying the ring, before having the engagement ceremony, before going apartment hunting, and before sending out Save the Dates.
Suppose you had a precious sum of money that you wanted to invest for retirement. You tell your financial advisor that you have your heart set on one particular fund. Your financial advisor winces and informs you that you're 85% likely to lose it all. What would you do?
Now consider this scenario: Suppose over the course of pre-marital counseling, your therapist told you that the trajectory of your interactions with your fiancée indicates an 85% probability of divorce? Though this may be an imperfect analogy, the spirit of this scenario sometimes plays out in my line of work.
In my early years as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I did a lot of pre-marital counseling. I don't do couples counseling anymore, but I have many vivid memories of the couples I worked with. Many couples had great, healthy relationships that made me optimistic for their future. But some couples caused me grave concern.
Why High-Risk Couples Still Marry
The couples that worried me tended to have the kinds of issues that, according to renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, precipitates 85% of divorces, or at the very least, likely to predict a highly dissatisfying marriage. Simply stated, these issues are: Defensiveness, Criticism, Stonewalling, and Contempt. To be clear, all people fall short in these areas to some degree. Imperfection is not what causes me concern. What causes me concern is those who would earn an F if I were grading relational health. And yet many would proceed to marry anyway.
What would make a conflicted couple ignore the 85% warning? Many reasons! They believe the statistics don't apply to them. They've been dating for so long that they feel marriage is the next logical step. They don't want to hurt the other person by reconsidering marriage. They downplay mistreatment. They love having sex. One or both feel like this is their last chance to get married. They believe things will magically resolve themselves in marriage. They have faith that God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Their tickets to the Maldives are non-refundable.
The Cultural X-Factor
And then there are the cultural reasons.
Cultural reasons may be the great x-factor in pushing a high-risk couple down the aisle. For some Korean Americans, reconsidering their marriage to address destructive relational issues can be especially difficult because family decisions are deeply embedded in a collectivist family system where the family is often experienced as an extension of the self. Within this relational context, postponing or calling off a wedding can activate a sense of family shame that extends well beyond the couple. The internal protesting voices would be thunderous:
"What would dad and mom say? What would relatives think?"
"My parents are prominent in the church, how will they explain to their congregation that the wedding is postponed indefinitely?"
"My parents are long time friends with my fiancé's parents. Their friendship would be ruined."
"We already had the 약혼식 (engagement ceremony). There's no going back now."
"I've been serving my church faithfully for years, what would my congregation think of me now if I postponed the wedding due to the words of some crazy therapist?"
Clearly, odds are stacked against Korean-American engaged couples postponing a marriage to address core relational issues, much less ending the relationship. The common reasons make it difficult enough. The cultural factors make it feel nearly impossible.
A Case for Pre-Engagement Counseling
Therefore, I propose a basic tweak to the whole idea of pre-marital counseling: Do pre-engagement counseling. Yes, do the counseling before buying the ring, before having the engagement ceremony, before going apartment hunting, and before sending out Save the Dates.
Pre-engagement counseling has distinct advantages. The first advantage is that it prevents the catastrophe of shame, both the feeling of shame and what shame leads to. You can spare yourself the awful conversation with your parents that starts with "Uh, Dad, Mom, I think you better have a seat." Secondly, pre-engagement counseling enables the dating couple to more honestly invest in the counseling process. When the wedding date is already set, sometimes the counseling is treated as a mere formality. However, without the pressure of dates, deposits, and shame, a dating couple can evaluate more honestly the state of their relationship and make an informed decision about their future together.
I, too, believe that “God works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).” But rather than seeing this as a promise that God will transform an unhealthy relationship miraculously through marriage, I can confidently apply this promise to the other side of the coin. God will work out good things as a conflicted couple postpones marriage and works hard on addressing destructive relational patterns. God will work out good things even if they do not marry, or maybe precisely BECAUSE they do NOT marry. This shift in perspective entails a different type of faith - a faith in Christ's love to cover our shame and heartache. But until this shame-covering manifests itself, I can make one simple recommendation as a therapist: Pre-engagement counseling.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Roy Kim (Roy is a former pastor and has been in the mental health field since 2009. He practices in Southern California, and uses YouTube and podcasting to educate about sexual addiction, betrayal trauma, and divorce healing.)
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